Am I Skinny Enough Yet?

I have never been skinny and that's okay.  I've been blessed in that I've been healthy all of my life and not too bad to look at.

To give you a little background of my childhood, I was a premature baby, only weighing 3 lbs. when I was born and not given much of a chance to live.  I could write and write on how I've struggled against so many odds, but that would take us onto so many other topics. The purpose of this blog is to come to terms with my physical beauty and the way I see my body and to just be okay with who I am.  I am a woman in my early 30s and I have never dealt with so many emotional issues that have to do with how I view myself physically.  Anyway, I was sick on and off as a child but nothing too major.  I was mostly really fragile and my parents had trouble getting me to gain weight.  It didn't take too long before I was just permanently "chubby" because I never thought of myself as being "fat".  I developed really early, I got my period and boobs at 10 years old.  At that age, I could pass for a 14 or 15 year old girl if my round face didn't give me away that I was practically a baby.  It was awkward.  I was just a kid, the tallest and biggest in my class, just waiting for everyone else to catch up.  As it turned out, when everyone did catch up in Jr. High, I was surprisingly really short and my boobs weren't that big at all.  Still, I was chubby and the idea that I was fat and ugly was starting to creep into my head.  In high school, I was active.  I was on the swim team for three years and played water polo here and there.  I had long blonde hair and tanned legs.  It never really occurred to me that I was ugly or fat.  I knew I wasn't skinny, but any poor body image I may have had were overtaken by other problems that I will not share in this blog. 

After high school, I travelled for a little bit.  When I came back home at 20, that's where the weight gain began.  It's a little bit difficult to explain my sadness or reasons as to why I turned to food without actually sharing with you what has happened in my life.  But I will say that my struggles really began at 20, when I felt stuck in a life I didn't think I was meant to live.  So many "Why Me?" moments over the years... So many times the phrase:  "I am so smart, how can this be happening to me??" ran through my head.  Fast forward 10 years and I realized at 30 that not everyone is on the same life plan.  Not every 4.0 student gets to go to college.  Not every 18 year old gets to have their parents buy them a car.  Not every 25 year old gets married and has babies.  My life has always been on a different plan and I have finally come to terms with the beauty of it.  My life has been amazing and the lessons I've learned are priceless.  I would never trade all I've been through for anything in the world because it has made me who I am.  On the contrary, I appreciate everything I accomplish or obtain very dearly because what may be easy for you, has not been easy for me.  This makes me stronger. 

Back to my 20s... The first time I was really depressed was in my early 20s. This is when I got fat for the first time.  I could blame it on a million things, from a boy that I loved who broke my heart into a million pieces to feeling like I had lost my brother to another family.  This was the first time I looked at myself in the mirror and all I saw was ugly.  I hated my hair, my face, and my body and this made me doubt myself in most of my decisions.  Up to this point, it had never occurred to me that I didn't know how to eat.  I just ate whatever tasted good at whatever times I felt hungry.  I didn't over eat at this point but again, I didn't know how to eat.  I had also stopped all physical activity, I pretty much didn't move besides the times I went to work or hung out watching movies with my friends.  One day, I heard that boy who broke my heart was having a baby and I completely lost it.  I guess it took me a long time to get over him.  The next day, I started going to the gym to let out some aggression.  Apparently I was really angry.  I lost 50 lbs. in 3 months by only excercising.  I didn't diet, I still ate what I wanted but I practically lived at the gym.  I was 25 years old, so youth was also on my side.  I am pretty short, taking off 50 lbs. in 3 months was a major difference and everyone noticed.  All of a sudden, I looked really good.  For the next 5 years, I was social and fitness butterfly.  I went out a lot, I dated some pretty hot men and I ran to keep that body.  As funny as it now seems, I was a runner for 5 years and kept that weight off.  That was now my real body and it didn't seem like I had ever been fat at all.  I would run 8 miles a day, 5 days a week.  I ran marathons.  Physically, I had no reasons why to feel self-conscious.  Still, deep inside, I hadn't resolved the issue of my broken heart, those "odds" to work against that I mentioned above, and I still hadn't learned how to eat. At this point, some days I wouldn't eat at all. Other days I would eat Jack n the Box.  But I was "skinny" so it didn't matter.

The year I turned 30, I accomplished some pretty awesome things but also made some very bad decisions that turned my life upside down.  From taking on a horrible job, moving to a miserable place, falling in love and being in a relationship with an abusive man... that wasn't me at my finest hour.  All those things nearly destroyed me and it's not until recently that I have felt 100% free and healed from it all.  Though I wont talk about all that happened, those that know me know that I picked myself up from the absolute bottom and I have rebuilt myself to be even a bigger catch than I was before.  I have an amazing life and through prayers, counseling, my family and friends, I have dealt with so many issues that needed resolving.  One of my friends told me: "You don't know how strong you are until strong is your only option".  Guess what? I'm freaking strong.

Unfortunately, during this process of healing and rebuilding my life, I stopped excersising and got fat.  This is the first time I say that publicly.  I am fat.  I am very proportionate, I dress well and like to think I have great style.  I have nice hair and love make-up.  Men still appear to be attracted to me and every so often I pay attention to one of them but no one has won me over yet. I am at the stage in my life in which I know exactly what kind of man I want, someone with a good head on his shoulders that is comfortable with himself and is successful.  Get what I'm saying?  I play off being fat really well.  At the end of the day though, I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit.  It doesn't matter if men find me attractive if I don't even like myself.   I am very short and I am convinced my body was not meant to be this big.  I am so self-conscious about what I eat.  I want to kill myself whenever I have anything sweet or a piece of toast or carbs in general.  I cannot stand eating meat. 
Eating veggies and fruits makes me grouchy and light headed as hell (yeah, I tried being vegan and then vegetarian for a while there).  What is going on?? I know how to excersice but my body is not responding.  I go through crazy spurts at the gym but my body doesn't want to let go.  I've gotten blood work done to try to figure out why it wont respond.  Nothing. I'm totally normal.  I have more than done my fair share of sweating to get my body back on track but I've given up.  So much that I am now eating whatever I want.  Cause who cares, right? I'm still pretty.  I'll just be a pretty, fat girl.

No, that's not good enough for me.

The turning point came last week.  I was waiting for that one moment that would just break me.  That day came and now I am going to fix what's wrong.  For those of you that don't know me, I am extremely competitive.  I turn everything into a win/lose situation and I will always win.  I cried last week, I felt ugly and pathetic, all over the size of my dress.  Now, I wont pretend to ever be skinny, but I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit here.  I am 5'5" (when I'm lying! I'm actually shorter!) and 15 lbs. makes a big difference.  I have decided to lose 40 lbs.  I am scared to death to announce this because of the possibility of failure.  But then again, who am I competing with?  The only one competing is me.  I want to resolve whatever the hell is going on in my head that makes me think I'm ugly.  Whether it be at 135 lbs. or at 165 lbs. or at 185 lbs.  I don't want to wake up one day and be 45 years old and still have these childhood traumas of whether I'm pretty or skinny enough to hang out with the cheerleaders.  I am not a fucking cheerleader and never wanted to be. 

My brother, who is my best friend, wants his running partner back.  He is teaching me how to prep my meals, he is coaching me on different excersising (no more running!) and most importantly, he is helping me be happy and healthy.  He says I wont believe the shape I will be in this year but it's too early for me to be excited so I will just smile and hope for the best.

I hope this is one of many blog entries in which you witness something good happen in me.  I hope one day to report on actual pounds lost.  But if not, I hope that I find that peace that I am searching for to love myself and my body no matter what it looks like.